A Waste Of Time
by Master of Chronicles
Summary: There things in FF7, things people don't point out, things that don't make sense and things that can be made fun of. Read, because it's a complete waste of time


**A/N This is a collection of little things that I noticed about the games and/or movie. Unless you've played them your watched endless hours of cutscenes on youtube because you're lame (like me) you might not fully get the jokes. **

**This is not a serious plot (since one does not exist) and I have no intention in writing another one (unless paid). Please read the following skits with the utmost awareness that everyone gets bashed.**

* * *

"Whoa…" Cloud says, waking up to find himself alive, having fallen through the roof of a church, lying in a flower bed. "I'm ok?"

The young woman in a pink dress stands over him. "Oh, come on! I just got that thing fixed last week! Can't you guys find some other place to fall? I mean seriously!"

* * *

Cloud and Barret reunites after the young man comes in on the train at the start of the game.

"You know…you look a lot like Mr. T."

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud, you don't think the rest of the planet hasn't already figured that out? So it happens I look like one of the coolest guys alive, so what? What, are ya jealous?"

"No. Why would I want to be black?"

* * *

"Hey, you're a mercenary, right?" Arieth asks while a very calm Reno is standing off in the background. "Could you help me out of this mess?"

"Sure. But it will cost you." Cloud nods, crossing his arms over his chest.

"How about a date?" She replies sweetly.

Reno looks at one of his men. "Didn't take her long to get over Zack, did it?"

* * *

Arieth whines to Cloud. "Why can't we have a clearly defined relationship?"

"No offense, but you dress like a ten year old. When it comes between you and Tifa, I want to make sure I make the right choice in the long run."

"Hrmph! Well, just remember that I may not be around forever."

"Yeah right. Like you're gonna drop dead halfway through the game."

* * *

Cloud meets Marlene for the first time. "Hello. What are you doing here in a bar full of drinking men?"

"Oh, she's Barret's daughter." Tifa explains from behind the counter.

Cloud looks at the small, white girl and then the large, black man. "Somehow, I doubt it."

* * *

Sephiroth goes down to the armory at SOLDIER's headquarters, flying in a rage. He goes up to the inventory guy and slams down the Masamune on the counter.

"Get me something else!" He yells.

The man looks at him from over his glasses. "Is the blade not sharp enough?"

"Oh, it's sharp enough alright. It just so freakin' long I keep knocking into things! It's driving me crazy!"

* * *

Tifa talks to Arieth about Cloud at Cosmos Canyon.

"Can we be adults about this? I suggest we come up with a way to decide which one of us gets the blond dreamboat."

"Any suggestions?"

"Cat fight?"

Areith thinks for a minute, then suddenly crashes her fist into Tifa's face. Great violence ensues. The guys watch while Red XIII makes popcorn.

Cloud says to Vincent. "I don't know why we hadn't thought about this before."

* * *

Lazard informs Zack of Genesis' defection.

"It's a surprise to all of us. But we have to find him before he causes the company real damage."

"Hold on." Zack raises up his hand. "This guy has been quoting a play called Loveless endlessly for years, going on and on about returns, promises, and goddesses and you have no clue why he went weird in the head?"

"It's an isolated case, 2nd class SOLDIER Zack." The director said sharply. "I can assure you that our entire personnel is mentally sound of health. Why, just take Sephorith here. The very image of control."

* * *

Zack talks to Angeal about the Buster Sword.

"You know, I've never actually seen you use that thing. Is it because use brings wear, tear and rust, and that's a real waste?"

"No." Angeal says openly. "It's just way too heavy to use. I have no idea what my dad was thinking. But it's really awesome for picking up chicks!"

* * *

Sephorith is going through the library of the hidden laboratory in the basement of the Shinra Mansion.

"Ok. So I'm not really human. That's cool. My real mother is named Jenova who's an alien from outer space they dug out of the ground years ago. Sweet! I'm an experiment and as a result I'm super strong and good looking. And…Hojo is my father! Ahhhh! No, that can't be! I'm going crazy! Ahhhh! I think I'll kill everyone in the village than burn in a childish tantrum of denial, Ahhhhhhh!"

* * *

Cloud is pacing up and down his room at the Haunted Hotel at Gold Saucer.

"Oh, man. Areith or Tifa is gonna walk through that door any minute to ask me out! I've been really careful when answering questions the whole game, so I have no idea who it's gonna be. Areith is really kind and gentle, while Tifa is my old childhood crush. I can't go wrong! Ohhh, I can't wait!"

A knock comes from the door.

"Come in!" He cries excitedly.

Barret pops his head in. "Didn't see that coming, did ya?"

* * *

"Yes. This is the only place in Midgar where the flowers will grow." Arieth tells Zack, smiling.

"You know what? You should sell your flowers. Midgar is full of flowers, your wallet's full of money!"

"Midgar full of flowers, wallet full of…money?"

_Lord, is she ever __**slow**_. Zack thinks to himself.

* * *

Zack is lying on the ground, losing blood fast. He looks up at Cloud, who is barely out of his Mako addiction trance. He hands his friend the Buster sword.

"My…hopes…my dreams…they're yours now." He falls back down, motionless.

Cloud grabs the sword, gets up and walks away.

"Don't I even get a 'Thank you'?" Zack yells at him.

* * *

Genesis holds up a dumbapple, his hair grayed by degradation. He smiles coyly, looking at Zack from the corner of his eye, a air of supreme confidence on his pale face.

"To be, or not to be!" He exclaims.

"Where is that from?" Zack asks.

Genesis blinks a few times. "I don't know. It just came out, like instinct. Wait…here comes another one. Juliet! Oh Juliet! Let down your hair!"

* * *

Cid Highwind and Nanaki have a conversation after the release of Advent Children.

"Yeah man," Cid says, a cigarette in his mouth. "I feel bad that you only got one line in the movie."

"It's fine. It is a very good line." Nanaki states proudly.

"'There is still children with the stigma'? Come one, some of the background people got in more dialogue than that!"

"Well…maybe I'll get my own game like Vincent did."

Cid stares. "Sure you will."

* * *

Cloud turns to leave Healin' Lodge after turning down Rufus' request for help. He stops after cracking the door open, half turning back. "What's this thing about mother?"

"I don't have Jenova!" The president suddenly screams.

Cloud starts thinking. "So when Kadaj is asking about mother, he really is talking about Jenova. That makes sense, because Sephiroth always called her mother too. So if they are looking for her, that should mean she's still around…right? And since they don't have her and I don't have her, that leaves only you…"

"Dang, he's connecting the dots." Rude whispers.

* * *

Arieth and Sephiroth are at the forbidden city, walking around, hand in hand.

"You know what, handsome? You're a real nice guy. People like Cloud and Shinra and all those other people just don't understand you the way I do. I'm the last ancient, you're the first of your kind. We're alone out in this world and need each other for support. You're not violent. You just like using your sword too much."

"Hold that thought, babe." Sephiroth says, grabbing his blade. "There's a misqito on your back."

* * *

Tifa looks at her friend sadly as he retells his story of when he visited her home.

"Cloud, did you go in my room?"

"Yes." He answers.

"Did you read my letters?"

"Yes."

"Did you play my piano?"

"Yes."

"Did you…go through my clothes?"

"…Maybe."

"Did you, oh my God, did you steal from my purse!" She yells.

"Well it's not like you got a chance to spend the money anyway, with Sephiroth going bonkers later that night."

* * *

"Ok, Cloud. The only way we're going to be able to get inside the place were Tifa is being held is to go to a lady's store and dress you up as a woman." Arieth explains to the ex-SOLDIER.

"Hold on." Cloud interrupts. "Why can't I just bust up the place with my skillz? I mean, if you think about it, I'm going to be kicking butt anyway in about five minutes. Why humiliate myself by dressing like a girl and have a whole bunch of guys chasing after me? If even if I went along with this so called plan and those guys really do mistake me for a chick, isn't that saying something about my masculinity?"

Areith sighs heavily, walking away. "Well, it's not like I didn't try."

Cloud continues as he follows her. "And what if I get picked? Can you imagine how awkward that would be?"

* * *

Cid Highwind walks into an absolutely clean house, dinner already made and waiting on a steaming hot plate.

"Darn it, woman!" He yells at his wife. "Where's my tea!"

"But honey," Shera says tearfully. "Why are you so harsh with me all the time?"

"Because it establishes my character as a jerk with morality and simple taste."

"B-but it's a bad example for the young players who will develop future relationships of their own." The woman points out.

"Don't talk back!"

* * *

At the end of Advent Children, Tifa finally confronts Cloud about their relationship.

"Well? Do you love me or not? Just give it to me straight." She says with finality.

Cloud thinks for a moment, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a coin. "Ok. Heads I do, Tails I don't…"

* * *

"Hold on." Barret says. "What do you mean they came out with another one?"

"It's true." Red XIII says. "It's called Advent Children Complete."

"Complete? You mean the first release was incomplete? You mean their forcing us to buy the movie again if we want the good version?"

"Yep." The talking animal says.

"Those bloodsuckers! Oh well, guess if I want to see it that's how it's gonna be." Barret pulls out his wallet. "How much is the DVD?"

"It's only on BlueRay."

"Say what!"

* * *

"Cloud." Vincent Valentine says.

"Yeah?"

"What was the point of this fic?" The former Turk asks.

"You know what? I haven't the foggiest." Cloud admits.

"Well then, what should we do?"

"Simple. Read it all over again."


End file.
